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| Suicide (sensitive topic) - Goto page Previous 1, 2 |
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pastaman
 Posted:
Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:02 am |
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A  to all of you who have lost either loved ones or yourself.
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**Deactivated**
Joined: 06 Jul 2006
Posts: 208
Location: in spicy tomato sauce
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| Heli
Posted:
Tue Jul 11, 2006 8:26 pm |
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A complicated kindness
Your soul on a down pillow
The fan drones on
Billowing curtains
Feathery steel
Bristly silk
Butterfly Snake
Wounded bird
I want to
I need to
I fear to
Trust you
I remember him
"I miss you"
Nothing but silence
Balogna Salami
I gave took a risk
Believed thru the fear
Why again disrobe
Just to be seared
The humming fan
The mute tv
Safe Danger
Hateful Love
Oh my sweet orange friend
My outer softness within
You give and give and give
My sweet old orange friend
Urns on the shelf
Forever silent
Don't leave me too love
You're all that's left me
Memory brushes the same years
Silently sharing the same fears
Waiting for the sunset
Waiting for that warm eternal bath
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Transcription Goddess
Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 23516
Location: Puffed Up DimWit
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| bamuda
Posted:
Wed Jul 12, 2006 9:49 am |
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It takes time to heal
before you can begin to feel
Numbness, pain
different, yet the same.
Protect your heart
give yourself time
there is no hurry
there is no rush
A few words
shared a moment
a feeling
a knowing
A tiny bandage
will not be enough
when the wounds run deep
close your eyes, rest, go back to sleep
Feel the breeze
absorb the warmth
catch your breath
feed your soul
Take small comfort
that you are not alone
Time, prayers, tears
slowly soothe hidden fears
Calm yourself
be still and quiet
listen to the rain
white noise, the peace
Intimacy shared
the spirit revealed
naked
vulnerable, human, unprotected
Put your tits to the wind
your face to the sun
let the rain beat down
the work that has started is simply not done
It takes time to heal
to trust
listen to your heart
wait til you know
scars will fade
memories recorded
preserving the past
reflect, remember
Lessons learned
strength gained
wiser and older
you'll never be the same
An offered hand
a listening ear
open windows
a crack at the door
Take what you need
when you are ready
and not before..............
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Resident Philosopher
Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 1157
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| Heli
Posted:
Wed Jul 12, 2006 7:47 pm |
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It rained today
The fan droned on
Your soul found me
I came for you
Bitter melon
Manna Nectar
Sour grapes
My sweet in between
A rock A sponge
A mirror
Am I you
Are you me
Darkness binds us
Heaviness keeps us
Promise feeds us
Light invites us
A moth to the flame
A fledgling bird
Fly with me
Soar beyond the blackness
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Transcription Goddess
Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 23516
Location: Puffed Up DimWit
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| bamuda
Posted:
Thu Jul 13, 2006 11:06 am |
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Another pot of coffee
Sun shining in
Feel the breeze
Open up the blinds
Today is another chance
a golden opportunity
Planning, dreaming
hope restored
The full moon has loosened its hold
I feel like me again
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Resident Philosopher
Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 1157
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| Heli
Posted:
Thu Jul 13, 2006 7:17 pm |
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The light in the sky
Lights up my Soul
Lunatic yesterday
Honeymoon today
Child of the Moon
Lightness of being
A window opens
Come sing with me
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Transcription Goddess
Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 23516
Location: Puffed Up DimWit
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| Casara
Posted:
Sat Aug 05, 2006 2:35 pm |
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| victims cry wrote: | Suicide, like all deaths and perhaps more so since there are rarely answers for the family as to why hurt the ones left more than anyone can imagine.
I can only speak for myself though, and I have been suicidal a number of times. Those times i honestly believed it was better for anyone left behind including my cats if i was gone. Of course, it would end the pain i lived in thanks to severe depression as well.
The one piece advice I give anyone contemplating it (apart from get help) is to wait until the next day. And do so each day until things get better. Its one act that cant be undone. I have gone so far as to have taken the pills, written the note, and gotten the razor blade out for the vertical cuts.
Then I kept my own promise to myself. To wait until the next day, and also my promise to my psychiatrist at the time to call first. (little did i know he checked his messages at midnight  - waking up to cops breaking in the cops is a little.. intersting).
I was lucky, both my psychiatrist and my family doctor knew me well enough to know I could get through it and that night asked me to come in the next day for an appointment. Which I promised to do and did.
One "kudos" to the cops. I mentioned a good friend, who was a staff seargeant -whom i met on another "check the welfare of" call [this time it was a stupid call, it was my ex who took my "no tomoorow is to late, i want to talk NOW] as something beyond "asshole dont get off the phone now, i want to give you shit today". They talked to my shrink, they talked to me, and the next morning at 7 am my cop friend was at the door. They had called him as well saying we had a welfare call and she seems seriously in trouble. Please check on her.
 i gave him a lecture telling his cops to LOOK on a pillow to see if the suicide note is there. It was, and they missed it. I should have been hospitalized if only to cover their butts that night if they had seen the note. That i had decided b4 hand to wait til the next day was moot. They couldnt know.
Anyway, what I am trying to say, is that the pain someone is in when they commit suicide is not a pain that others can really understand. It isnt that we dont care about family and friends. Its that we believe they will be better off without us. That it will hurt a little but not as much as having to live with us or worry about us.
I say us, because i deal daily with the "tape loop" a lot of ppl with depression have. It repeats in your head, while shopping, while reading, anything "i hate myself" "life sucks" "i wish I was dead"
Im lucky, i know the disease, i know what causes the tape loop and i can shut it off in terms of even thinking about acting on it now.
It wasnt always that way.
Sometimes... the best way to think about someone who has successfully committed suicide, is they died from disease. Just as others die from cancer. Depression IS a disease, and not all of us are strong enough to keep going. The pain is as real as physical pain, and the anguish as great.
I want to look up at a song.... i played it at the funeral for my best friend. 24 years old, she left behind a 2 and 4 year old, but had fought to get better so hard. unfortunately... while in treatment she finally took her life. *sad smile* I wear her mickey mouse flannel nightie daily. Her mom asked me to drive the 5 hours to get her things and talk to the doctors and gave me some of her clothes. |
_________
victims cry: never have I read such an open and innocent post. You have touched me deeply. You have lived through so much, and yet, you still carry the burden of it all.
I want to thank you for being able to speak in the totally sincere and innocent way in which you did. It means so much to me, for I am always looking for those, who can open up and return to innocence.
Suicide is a constant driver in your backseat. This driver is always trying to take the wheel, while you are trying to steer ahead. It is an ongoing battle.
A counselor of mine explained it this way to me.
She studied in Sweden, and she said they are trying their best to understand "suicide." She said they did an automatic autoposy on victims of suicide inorder to study their brain chemistry.
She said the general population cannot go to the level that someone, who commits suicide goes.
1. It is like there is the first level...normal population.
2. There is a second level...drunk or drugged population.
3. The third level is "suicide."
Most of the normal populace in level 1 cannot go to level three.
In level 2, drugs like marijuana discourage those, who have the ability to go to level 3...not to do so.
While alcohol encourages this level 3.
One, who has the ability to go from level 1 to 3 do not have to be "under the influence" to do so. They can jump from 1 to 3 without any drugs whatsoever.
It seems to me from my own experience, and from what my shrink is telling me that "suicide" is an actual state of mind...a disease...just, like you said...a cancer.
However, this cancer not only takes the victim of suicide, but it also takes those left behind...those that loved.
Thank you again for your innocent heart and soul to speak of this.
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Joined: 28 Jul 2006
Posts: 133
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| victims cry
Posted:
Sun Aug 06, 2006 7:18 pm |
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Casara, I have heard a little about your son, and want to say how sorry I am. I cant imagine the pain you are dealing with, but I think i can understand some of it and just that little bit breaks my heart for you. We may disagree on the case, or other things, but that has nothing to do with how i feel over what happened to you.
I talk about way to much on this board  but it seems to me, lots of subjects are supposed to be "shameful" and i dont think they are. So i just don't hide who i am, or whats happened in my life, especially over difficult subjects. I hate it when no one feels they can talk about feelings or illness or bad things. I just try and be open in case it helps someone else who cant share.
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On Vacation!
Joined: 22 Mar 2006
Posts: 9307
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| pax
Posted:
Sun Aug 06, 2006 11:29 pm |
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That's something I admire about you, VC. The disease of depression knows no boundaries. It strikes people from all walks of life. Feeling a stigma can make it doubly difficult. You know, cancer used to be like that, people didn't even discuss it publicly. Once a stigma is removed, at least we can accept it and some might be less afraid of seeking treatment.
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 16326
Location: Wish You Were Here
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| Casara
Posted:
Mon Aug 07, 2006 11:42 am |
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| victims cry wrote: | Casara, I have heard a little about your son, and want to say how sorry I am. I cant imagine the pain you are dealing with, but I think i can understand some of it and just that little bit breaks my heart for you. We may disagree on the case, or other things, but that has nothing to do with how i feel over what happened to you.
I talk about way to much on this board but it seems to me, lots of subjects are supposed to be "shameful" and i dont think they are. So i just don't hide who i am, or whats happened in my life, especially over difficult subjects. I hate it when no one feels they can talk about feelings or illness or bad things. I just try and be open in case it helps someone else who cant share. |
VC, I admire you very much, and you have my respect. I believe you are a very brave person to share this at this time. I believe you are one of the "sensitives" of this world...someone, who feels everything to a very high degree...more than most people can feel.
This is the way I am, and this was the way my son was, too. It is like we are the living nervous system of humanity. If this is true, then to feel the worst in the world within our own selves at such a deep level is torturous. I feel there are times when the torture becomes too emotionally acute.
During those times, those of us who have the ability to go into that dark place...this is when we are vunerable to suicide.
There are many in this world, who would never even think of suicide...if they are tortured, they take it out on others, or they do not fall into that dark place, due to a number of reasons. Some have a really good support system, and some have an activity that they love passionately.
Most of the artists and poets in this world seem to go to that dark place, and many of them have written their best poetry while there.
I think that one must try to remember...if one waits for even one hour, one might see a light approaching from that dark tunnel.
I hope, VC, you can always see that Light, for you are an extraordinary person, and the world needs you....it needed my son, too. Yet, he left before seeing that Light approaching in his tunnel.
God bless us all, and God help those of us, who are the "sensitives" of this world.
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Joined: 28 Jul 2006
Posts: 133
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| likestoflap-lol
Posted:
Mon Aug 07, 2006 12:41 pm |
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thanks for sharing your pain- i wish you all the best
all who have shared their emotions are very special --you never know who might be reading the very words they need to hear at that very moment. vc your honesty is so deep it touches a place inside of me that says --she is one real human being i would like to know .so many of you --we share our words inbetween the posts - and they fall into our hearts.
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** Banned **
Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 2433
Location: at the mall buying purple sandals to meet clients -oh my~!
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| Casara
Posted:
Sun Aug 20, 2006 9:18 am |
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I have read this whole thread all over again.
I needed to do that, as I am on the other end of suicide...
I have survived the suicide of my son now for for almost four months...I have now been in therapy for almost two months...been on an antidepressant now for one month...feeling a light at the end of the tunnel now for a week...good and steady speed...that is...consistent...more or less.
I am listening to MY IMMORTAL BY EVANESCENCE on ITUNES right now...my favorite song. My son and I had music in common...we used to download it from the Net...until we decided it was not worth the risk. We were not doing so well financially, so we decided to burn what we had...end it there.
He, himself, had also recorded a cd...in a local studio...paid quite a bit to channel his creative endeavor...I have to give him this...here and now...he was good...he did not waste his money...the cd is treasured now...and forever. He did not live to give it more time; nevertheless, it was good, and it is good now...as long as the tools will survive their earthly sustenance. Where he is now...well, he knows.
He was always extremely generous in nature, and the last present he bought me was EVANESCENCE...ANYWHERE BUT HOME. I realize now...he was trying to tell me something. He wanted so badly to move beyond a certain point in his life, but he simply could not build up the speed, due to failing circumstances...that I realize now...were always birthed from his disease of DEPRESSION, which basically came from ME...not only from ME, but from my birth lineage...a genetic marker in my blood and his.
He had been in therapy and on antidepressants, but he could never truly "catch on" to either...he turned to his own chemical means of treatment. I turned the other way...I felt perplexed and hopeless, as to any unleft means of treatment...I most tiredly relieved myself of the burden...I put it in his hands...it was his life, and it was his choice...that is what I told myself.
As I sit here now...realizing what my present reality means...without my son...I realize NOW...AT THIS MOMENT...he on his side...trying to understand...what happened...I am on my side...trying to understand what happened. We have this in common.
I feel, if I do my best HERE AND NOW...TO UNDERSTAND...SOMEHOW IT WILL HELP HIM TO DO HIS BEST...THERE ...ON HIS SIDE...TO UNDERSTAND. All I can do is my best on my side, and I pray this will somehow help him on his side...the two sides of suicide.
God bless all of you...on both sides.
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Joined: 28 Jul 2006
Posts: 133
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| woebedamned
Posted:
Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:25 pm |
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How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know
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Damn it All!!!!
Joined: 15 Aug 2006
Posts: 6309
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| SavannahStar
Posted:
Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:41 pm |
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| woebedamned wrote: | How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know |
Woe...we love you. DO NOT GO INTO HE AGAIN. Please.
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**SuperStar**
Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 21291
Location: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
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| woebedamned
Posted:
Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:05 pm |
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oh I am absolutely fine. The poem was just a response to those that are hurting. I am as good as gold. Sold the last of the puppies, gave away the older dogs. Have an appointment tomorrow for the chinchillas. The feline ranch has agreed to take our cats, so I am doing just fine.
Thanks for your concern, but no need to be.
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Damn it All!!!!
Joined: 15 Aug 2006
Posts: 6309
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| SavannahStar
Posted:
Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:20 pm |
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| woebedamned wrote: | oh I am absolutely fine. The poem was just a response to those that are hurting. I am as good as gold. Sold the last of the puppies, gave away the older dogs. Have an appointment tomorrow for the chinchillas. The feline ranch has agreed to take our cats, so I am doing just fine.
Thanks for your concern, but no need to be. |
Just thinking of you, woe.
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**SuperStar**
Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 21291
Location: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
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| woebedamned
Posted:
Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:36 pm |
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| SavannahStar wrote: | | Just thinking of you, woe. |
I do appreciate that, really.
Dont think we are supposed to use this board for chit chat 
Im looking for a place where general chit chat can take place, if I find one, I'll let you know 
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Damn it All!!!!
Joined: 15 Aug 2006
Posts: 6309
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| refugee_lurker_27
Posted:
Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:42 pm |
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| woebedamned wrote: | oh I am absolutely fine. The poem was just a response to those that are hurting. I am as good as gold. Sold the last of the puppies, gave away the older dogs. Have an appointment tomorrow for the chinchillas. The feline ranch has agreed to take our cats, so I am doing just fine.
Thanks for your concern, but no need to be. |
OMG, you have been so busy, please don't over do it, I'm exhausted just reading all the stuff you've done. But it must be a relief having found good homes for the animals.
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Joined: 09 Jun 2006
Posts: 1329
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