| relationships and trust... when is enough, enough - |
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edie
 Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:22 pm |
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relationships and trust... when is enough, enough
My friend called me this morning crying. She found out her husband was seeing another woman, and now he told her he is not happy and he wants to leave. They have two children together. He has spent most of their relationship lying to her. He was using meth for years and she did know it. When he started staying out all night, blowing all of the money, and disappearing for weeks at a time, she finally had enough. She divorced him. They struggled with their relationship after the divorce, and got back together. He was still using... she didnt know... Until he was arrested for manufacturing meth. He went to jail for 6 months, the whole time she supported him.. She hired him an attorney, got him into a state drug court program, and has been with him every step of the way... Through all of the hurt and pain... During his stint in jail and during his rehab stay.. Now after all this time he has the nerve to tell her he is just "NOT HAPPY", and is leaving her and her children. When she called me my first thought was Thank God that bastard is finally going to give her some peace. But I realized this woman is devistated beyond belief... We all expected it so why was she so easy to believe him when he said he had changed... After our conversation I also realized, if he came home and said he wanted her he was wrong she would take him back. So... My question I guess is when is enough, enough? Why does she keep doing this to her children and herself.
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:37 pm |
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Edie, I wonder about that kind of stuff too. Why people even associate with heavy drug users. I have no idea. They lie all the time.
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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| edie
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:47 pm |
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I was shocked when she took him back after everything, but she has seemed really happy. I knew he would never change... But she believed with all of her heart that he was a different person.
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| KLeigh
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:49 pm |
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Edie, My sister went through almost the same scenario. It was very difficult to watch her struggle with the love for her "family" and coming to terms with the realization that she needed to get away for her children's sake. Meth is a terribly addictive drug and becoming an epidemic here. They divorced, she is now happily remarried and her two girls have a great step dad. Their real father has not paid one cent of child support and hasn't seen the girls in several years. Sad, but she and the girls are now safe and happy.
In the end your friend has to decide for herself what enough is. It's tough!
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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| edie
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:18 pm |
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As a friend to her I have been 100% supportive of her even when I disagreed with her decisions, but as a friend should I be supportive if she begs him to stay and he does. Or should I voice my opinions to her and let her know i am not in support of her decisions. That she is only hurting her children and herself.
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:18 pm |
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I went through a similar thing in a business deal. The person with whom I made an agreement was not doing cocaine. The person with whom he was working had been a coke user, who my partner on the deal said "he has under control." Mistake on my part.
The lesson I learned was to not only stay away from people who do coke (that I had already known), but also to stay away from people who are friends with people who do coke. It's sad, the way it destroys people, and turns them into liars who exaggerate their abilities, pretend they are off the stuff, and then fail miserably to deliver what they promised.
On movie productions, I've seen that if only a few people are using heavy drugs, the whole production can suffer greatly. Sometimes, to the point of financial disaster.
My new policy is to stay away from people who have any friends or associates or acquaintances who do drugs. It is just intolerable to me.
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:23 pm |
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Edie, my policy now is that if it is family, I will help. Thankfully, no one in my family has had these kinds of problems. That's where I draw the line.
I will not be friends with people who are friends with people who use heavy drugs. It just makes for less drama and better peace of mind.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Sorry to sound preachy. I know every situation is complex. Just thought I'd share some of my experience.
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| edie
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:28 pm |
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| pax wrote: | Edie, my policy now is that if it is family, I will help. Thankfully, no one in my family has had these kinds of problems. That's where I draw the line.
I will not be friends with people who are friends with people who use heavy drugs. It just makes for less drama and better peace of mind.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Sorry to sound preachy. I know every situation is complex. Just thought I'd share some of my experience. |
I agree with you. My friend and I have been friends since before we could drive. Which is many years. We have been through so much together over the years. The drug use is something I cannot tolerate. Especially when children are involved!
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| Queen
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:32 pm |
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Still doing Meth? It may be a factor. Less than 15% of addicts can kick it. Love is blind. I wish her the best.
This story seems familiar.. 
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Joined: 04 Apr 2006
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:42 pm |
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That will spare you some horrendous drama, edie.
My friend had been friends with the coke user since junior high school. They are like brothers. I've never blamed my friend for the bad business deal. I sympathize with him because he has not wanted to abandon his friend. But we have talked about it a lot, and my friend is understanding that his friend needs treatment or he will die. And, that one can only do so much before one gets dragged down into the mass of bs.
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:44 pm |
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| Queen wrote: | Still doing Meth? It may be a factor. Less than 15% of addicts can kick it. Love is blind. I wish her the best.
This story seems familiar.. |
Familiar and sad.
A friend of mine was saying to me the other day, "There are no good crystal meth stories. They all end badly."
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| Queen
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:45 pm |
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| pax wrote: | That will spare you some horrendous drama, edie.
And, that one can only do so much before one gets dragged down into the mass of bs. |
Isnt that the truth. Pax, I truly love your posts....
....Enabler. ( I was one for 15 yrs )
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Joined: 04 Apr 2006
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| KLeigh
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:45 pm |
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Edie, you sound like a wonderful friend! With my sis I did tell her she needed to get away for herself and the girls, I was afraid for them. If you tell her how you feel about him it may help her "see" him for what he is. I do know that she needs you now.
Good luck to your friend and to you in trying to figure out the best way to proceed.
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:57 pm |
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| Queen wrote: | | pax wrote: | That will spare you some horrendous drama, edie.
And, that one can only do so much before one gets dragged down into the mass of bs. |
Isnt that the truth. Pax, I truly love your posts....
....Enabler. ( I was one for 15 yrs ) |
Thanks, and likewise.
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| edie
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 1:59 pm |
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| Queen wrote: | Still doing Meth? It may be a factor. Less than 15% of addicts can kick it. Love is blind. I wish her the best.
This story seems familiar.. |
Her husband is in the drug court program and on probation so I dont think he is on it now. They have a regular drug test a week and a random. And I think he has to attend some kind of aa or na a couple of times a week. She is very embarassed by this so we dont talk about it. I think she thinks I look down on her. I really dont look down on her. I am in no position to ever judge anyone!
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| edie
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:03 pm |
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| edie wrote: | | Queen wrote: | Still doing Meth? It may be a factor. Less than 15% of addicts can kick it. Love is blind. I wish her the best.
This story seems familiar.. |
Her husband is in the drug court program and on probation so I dont think he is on it now. They have a regular drug test a week and a random. And I think he has to attend some kind of aa or na a couple of times a week. She is very embarassed by this so we dont talk about it. I think she thinks I look down on her. I really dont look down on her. I am in no position to ever judge anyone! |
But I do wish she would want more than that for herself!
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| edie
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:09 pm |
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| KLeigh wrote: | Edie, you sound like a wonderful friend! With my sis I did tell her she needed to get away for herself and the girls, I was afraid for them. If you tell her how you feel about him it may help her "see" him for what he is. I do know that she needs you now.
Good luck to your friend and to you in trying to figure out the best way to proceed. |
Thank you for your kind words.
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006
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| DivaToo
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:11 pm |
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| pax wrote: | | Queen wrote: | Still doing Meth? It may be a factor. Less than 15% of addicts can kick it. Love is blind. I wish her the best.
This story seems familiar.. |
Familiar and sad.
A friend of mine was saying to me the other day, "There are no good crystal meth stories. They all end badly." |
Thats so true pax. I have lost lifelong friends to meth. I have watched married couples end up divorced, the mom in jail with HIV and the kids placed in foster care over it... It's really sad.
Not ONE meth user I know hasn't ended up in jail, a hospital bed, or on the streets..
so much for a high, eh?
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Miss Diva 2 U
Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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| pax
Posted:
Wed Jun 14, 2006 2:44 pm |
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Geez, d2, that is awful.
I've seen lives ruined by alcohol and cocaine. I mean, from being on top of the world so to speak, to just completely ruining the person and those around him or or her.
I had a friend from law school who was near the top of his class. A wonderful and brilliant guy. Dead at age 38 from liver failure due to drinking.
As for cocaine, I knew a really smart guy who took charge of a big budget movie in Australia. Big pay. He bought a huge house in Hollywood Hills. Had never done coke before, but started doing it big-time. He got it in his head that he was an artistic genius. Started insisting on reshoots that were not approved by the financial backers. Got it in his mind that he was making another Citizen Kane. The producers flew him back to L.A. from Australia and fired him. Last I heard he defaulted on the house.
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| bamuda
Posted:
Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:19 am |
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Sheesh, alcohol, meth, crack, coke, whatever........
doesn't matter.
If a person has an addictive personality
and they find the poison that appeals to the dark side of their souls......
it is just a matter of time.
My dear friend that died in April was only 46.
Pretty, smart, outgoing....
she fought addictions all her life.
She was clean and sober for over ten years.
One drink is too much, a thousand are not enough.
I have seen those words to be true.
When she started back, her death came within two years.
Edie, you are a great friend to this person and I hurt for you.
Funny thing about relationships......
the more I tried to tell friends to leave certain loves alone,
the more they clung to them.
When I tried to find the good in their choice of partners,
they were more apt to see the bad.
Craziest thing I have ever seen.
I was raised to be the best enabler in the world.
Mediate, pacify, fix-it.
Soothe hurt feelings and quiet angry beasts.
I have finally learned that people are going to do what they want.
You can rationalize, reason and plead.
Until the light bulb goes off in their head......
you can only be there to listen to the latest sad story
and hug them.
When you are finally tired of the same old poop
and if you walk away to catch your breath,
be prepared for heavy guilt thrown your way.
The heart is silly, blind and desperate sometimes.
Until she wants more out of life.....
there isn't really much you can do.
Wish I had an answer that would help,
I have never found one.
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Resident Philosopher
Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 1157
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| edie
Posted:
Thu Jun 15, 2006 9:52 am |
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| bamuda wrote: | Sheesh, alcohol, meth, crack, coke, whatever........
doesn't matter.
If a person has an addictive personality
and they find the poison that appeals to the dark side of their souls......
it is just a matter of time.
My dear friend that died in April was only 46.
Pretty, smart, outgoing....
she fought addictions all her life.
She was clean and sober for over ten years.
One drink is too much, a thousand are not enough.
I have seen those words to be true.
When she started back, her death came within two years.
Edie, you are a great friend to this person and I hurt for you.
Funny thing about relationships......
the more I tried to tell friends to leave certain loves alone,
the more they clung to them.
When I tried to find the good in their choice of partners,
they were more apt to see the bad.
Craziest thing I have ever seen.
I was raised to be the best enabler in the world.
Mediate, pacify, fix-it.
Soothe hurt feelings and quiet angry beasts.
I have finally learned that people are going to do what they want.
You can rationalize, reason and plead.
Until the light bulb goes off in their head......
you can only be there to listen to the latest sad story
and hug them.
When you are finally tired of the same old poop
and if you walk away to catch your breath,
be prepared for heavy guilt thrown your way.
The heart is silly, blind and desperate sometimes.
Until she wants more out of life.....
there isn't really much you can do.
Wish I had an answer that would help,
I have never found one.
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Thank You! I could not have said it better. 
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