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rohn
 Posted:
Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:53 am |
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The Final Elbow
ORANJESTAD – THE FINAL ELBOW
ROHN-TV has been suffering from lack of sponsorship income since the Natalee Holloway investigation entered a period of prolonged hibernation some weeks ago. In fact, Rohnette was made a part-time employee.
Sharing the frustration of many, however, caused me to dip into my own personal funds to launch a final effort to see if we could uncover the truth of behind the many rumours now emanating from Aruba. And so, Rohnette and I returned to Oranjestad to fulfill our mission, which is as it always has been: to provide information concerning the Holloway investigation that is as reliable as anything else available to our subscribers from any other major media source or official outlet. Sadly, I believe we have met our goal.
We arrived in Oranjestad late on May 23 and there was a palpable change in attitude amongst the inhabitants. It’s hard to describe exactly, but let me give an example: People were actually admitting to knowing Geoffrey Van Cromvoirt! Even his parents acknowledged that they knew him. Another example was that Marianne Croes, Rudy Croes, Charles Croes and all the other Croes’s (with the exception of Mustaffah Dashti Croes) finally conceded that they were in fact related to each other and in effect ran the island.
The atmosphere was sparkling. Everyone had a wide smile on their face. When I asked my taxi driver to explain the exuberance he told me: “The Natalee Holloway case is about to be solved!!!” I asked him how he knew this and he said, “Why, everyone knows, it’s just a matter of a confirmation of a detail or two and the case will be concluded. Until then, I can’t say anything else. You understand.”
I became quite excited. The sun seemed brighter…The sky bluer than blue. Every Aruban I met was…well, it was like Christmas in June. This wonderful place and its kind hearted people truly had achieved a state of paradise. I was happy for them. The case was about to break wide open and ROHN-TV was going to be there!!!! The critical last phase had finally arrived. Fireworks were primed to be set off...for real. Certainly after all of the bullshit and false hopes concerning the case, no authority would be so bold, so incompetent, so unmindful of the feelings of people involved in the case to have confidently leaked details about an imminent solution if one did not exist!!!!
“When is this confirmation expected?” I asked. “Today. or maybe, Wednesday” he replied. “Maybe one day later or two at the very most. Of course we have a holiday at the end of the week, but we are certain that the information will be confirmed and the announcement made by Monday at the absolute latest.”
I asked to be driven to the offices of Diario magazine, where I spoke with Jossy Mansur to see if he could be of any assistance.
“I am sorry Rohn, but the information is so sensitive and the confirmation so close that I have been asked not to divulge any details to anyone. This is the real thing this time, though. I can tell you that!”
“Can you tell me the source of the information?”
“I can provide no particulars. I really can say absolutely nothing”
He picked up a piece of paper that had been lying on his desk and appeared to be reading from it. “I can say nothing other than the source came through Diario and involves… let’s see … a preservative, frozen semen, a shoe lace, a postage stamp, a lipstick container, a baseball card and a t-shirt with a picture of a famous American cartoon character on the front -- all one year old -- plus of course the credible witness provided by Diario who will provide the link between these items and Natalee’s disappearance.”
“Does it involve Joran Van Der Sloot?” I asked.
“Sorry my friend. Much as I would like to confirm at this time that the solution to the case involves the notorious VAN DER SLOOT family … led by that putrid pustule of a judge and his mud-crawling, lying offspring who both deserve to be consigned to the most remote…”
“Here we go” I thought to myself.
“…and horrid parts of the nether world where, in addition to damnation to the end of infinity, they will be forced to suffer the deserved torment of being burned by acidic brimstone for all eternity while they choke on the acrid and poisoned atmosphere, blistering and searing their lying lungs and are tortured by the memories of their once happy lives on earth that they can no longer enjoy … I really cannot say. The entire island is under a gag order.”
“You mean a semi-gag order.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well. obviously some one in authority has blabbed that there has been a resolution and told people, so that’s hardly the “entire island” and hardly “being gagged.”
“Rohn, trust me.”
I thought about the confluence of the words “trust me” with the name Jossy Mansur and became depressed.
“Jossy, maybe you can tell me one thing.”
“Excuse me my friend. I have to check to see if any new documents have been deposited into our garbage can outside.” Jossy left.
I quickly jumped from my the chair on to Jossy’s desk and looked at the piece of paper:
Sure enough it read:
“Condom used, with semen, preserved.”
“Shoe Lace, white, 1011 mm, broken aglet”
“Uncirculated Postage Stamp Netherlands Antilles, 100, Loggerhead Sea Turtle
“Baseball Card, # 58 Upper Deck 2004 Rocco Baldali, Tampa Bay Devil Rays”
“Empty Lipstick Container, Estee Lauder, Bois du Rose”
“T-shirt, blue, Petunia Pig.”
I wondered: “Who would wear a t-shirt with a picture of Porky Pig’s girlfriend on the front??? And who would tell Mansur that Petunia Pig…a decidedly third string character…was famous?” (By the way, interested viewers can catch Petunia Pig in “Porky’s Romance.” I checked it out and it is available on DVD…sorry)
I didn’t want to provoke Jossy into having a seizure so Rohnette and I left. As we returned to the hotel and saw the mood of general celebration, we became quite excited and I could barely sleep that night. “Tomorrow” I thought. “Tomorrow it will all be revealed.” I was convinced that this was it. Good news!!! Everybody said so. Could everybody be wrong? Again? Still? No! It was not possible.
I woke up bright and early and went to the hotel desk.
The perky desk clerk greeted me. “Good morning, Mr. Rohn! I know Geoffrey van Cromvoirt! Would you like me to give you some extra room pass card sthat you can distribute to your friends or just leave lying around?”
“No that’s fine. The five you gave me when I checked in should do.” I turned around winked at the security camera and mouthed the words: “It’s me Julia…Rohn” just so there would be no doubt in case I went missing.
We spent the morning just observing, talking to people in the street and both Rohnette and I were convinced that there was, in fact, ground breaking news, that the Aruban people had been told of this -- either through officially orchestrated leaks or some form of official communication -- and that public revelation was imminent.
Late in the afternoon, we decided to head to C & C’s to be there in case the imminent confirmation was obtained.
I sat down, remembering as always to keep my paw covering my glass and making sure Rohnette did as well. We waited and waited and waited. And still we waited. Our excitement grew as the hours passed. The unrestrained joy I saw on the faces of the Aruban people did not diminish and in fact seemed to increase as the day went on.
People came up to me in the bar. “Have you heard?” they would ask me. “Heard what?” I replied.
“The news! The wonderful news about Natalee Holloway! It is so wonderful.”
“Has it been confirmed?”
“Not yet, but confirmation is imminent. It is so wonderful! Oh glorious day!”
To pass the time, we decided to conduct an experiment. Rohnette would leave her drink on the bar, tell the bartender or waiter that she would be right back and then go to the washroom. I would watch to see if anyone put anything in the drink. We did this several times and nothing was put in her glass except for a cigarette butt. Maybe it contained a date rape drug!!!
Well, the glorious day came to an end and there was no confirmation. There was no confirmation the following day or the day following that one. People were still in a celebratory mood and street vendors were briskly selling T-shirts with messages celebrating the imminent resolution of this damnifying case. Later Thursday night, I returned to Carlos and Charlie’s. The place was packed with still confident locals and confused tourists. Above the din I heard:
“Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai aiiieeeeeeeeee!!! Ai ai ha ha heee heee ai ai ai!”
The Kalpoe brothers!!!!! I looked around and spotted them. They were sitting by themselves so I padded over. Rohnette was with me and transcribed the conversation.
Rohn: Hello Deepak
D: It’s Depook!!! As in “book” as in you should read a book that tells you how to speak properly.
R: Sorry, I seem to have a lot of trouble with that name. Hello Satish.
S: Hello Rohn. Deepak, do you want me to go home and log on to your computer?
D: No. That’s alright, I took care of it before we left. Rohn, can I ask you a favour?
R: Sure, Satish is not really here, right???
D: How did you know that’s what I was going to ask?
R: Just a hunch. Great news eh?
D: Yeah, great news. That’s why we’re out celebrating. You’ve heard?
R: Of course I’ve heard. Everybody’s heard!!!! It is a little strange, don’t you think?
D: What do you mean?
R: Well, who would have thought it would have turned out this way, right???
D: I guess you’re right.
R: I mean and some of the details are a little strange.
D: Some maybe. I suppose.
R: Really, like what details struck you as strange?
D: I can’t say…Wait a minute…You don’t know do you?
R: Of course I know.
D: Well, what is the solution to the case?
R: You know I’m prevented from discussing that. But I know about Petunia Pig.
D: Everyone knows about Petunia Pig!!! Enough with the bullshit already!!!! Get out of here or I’ll have my mother call the police on you.
S: Ai ai ai ai ai ha ha heee eee-hah ai ai.
D: What are you doing?
S: I was ai ai aing.
D: How many times do I have to tell you…You don’t ai ai ai unless I ai ai ai and anyway you were doing it wrong.”
S: I was not.
D: You were too.
S: Stop telling me what to do.
D: Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai!!!!!!
S: Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai double ai ai on you!!!!!
I’d had enough. If Joran did “confess,” it was probably only after the ALE threatened to handcuff him in the back seat of a car with those two again. Holy Zaanse verhoormethode!!!!
The next morning, Our first stop as always, was the office of the prosecutor Kare(i)n Jan(n)sen. Her head wound, suffered during Iron Chef Aruba when her brain exploded, was healing nicely.
I asked her if in fact the case had been solved.
“Yes, Rohn, the case has been solved.”
“Well????????”
“Well what?”
“The solution...what is it?”
“Rohn, I’m afraid I’m prevented from discussing the solution by the…”
“Ms Jan(n)sen I don’t need the Citation. I’m sorry for interrupting but, you’ll forgive me for being a little bit skeptical.”
“Of course. I really do wish I could tell you, but I can’t, pending confirmation. But I can tell you one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I will be setting off fireworks on the weekend.”
“Ms Jan(n)sen. I’m afraid that doesn’t quite cut it any more.”
“Really, I don’t understand why not.”
“Yeah, I know you don’t understand. I’ve got to go.”
“Rohn” she called after me. “Make sure you tell your viewers that we’ve solved the case but just can’t give them any details. Rohn!!!! Please Rohn!!!!! They’ll believe that coming from you. God get me out of this Hell!!!!! Take me with you Rohn!!!!! I can be a good girl…Just ask John!!! Ask John!!!!!”
I started to feel depressed. We went to a local restaurant for a munch of some Camarones Guisadas and white asparagus while we pondered our next move. The shrimp were particularly good and the carnival atmosphere was so intoxicating that I felt re-energized. Rohnette and I decided that the next day we would resume our quest. We owed our viewers no less!!!!
The next morning I contacted Beth Twitty. I picked up my international calling authorized cell phone and contacted Beth who for some reason was in Chibougamau, Quebec.
“Well, you know, Hello?”
“Beth?”
“Yes”
“It’s Rohn.”
“Oh, hello Rohn.”
“Beth, what are you doing in Chibougamau???”
“Oh nothing.”
“Well, I’m sure if you’re in Chibougamau nothing is exactly what you are doing, I meant why are you in Chibougamau.”
“Tourism, I needed to get away from it all.”
“You couldn’t have picked a better place. Listen, Beth, I was wondering if you’d heard all of these rumours about another arrest and significant breakthroughs in Aruba. You know “information that can’t be released” and stuff.
“Well, you know, Rohn I have.”
“Can you give us any inside information?”
“Well, you know Rohn, I just get my hopes up and then they go down. I really can’t keep track of all the rumours of arrests and supposed significant information so I find it’s smarter if I don’t pay attention to them.”
“Uh…”
“Yes, Rohn?.”
“Uh…”
“Well you know, What is it Rohn?”
“Well, I don’t know how to say this exactly, but…”
“Well, you know, what is it?”
“Well, for the first time in like twelve months I actually agree with something you said.”
“Oh. Well, you know, there’s only so much disappointment and false leads a person can take.”
“Yeah…umm, you’re right Beth. I mean, you’re right!!”
Just saying those words started my head spinning.
“Well, you know, I have enough disappointment not knowing what Joran and the Kalpoes did to Natalee after they repeatedly gang raped her.”
Whew!!! Somewhere, life was returning to normal even if that somewhere was Chibougamau. I regained my equilibrium.
“Thanks Beth.”
So Beth had been no help. I’d have to find the answers in Oranjestad. My next stop was the office of Aruba Today. The office was decorated with streamers and banners joyfully proclaiming a resolution to the case.
Julia was in the front office.
“Julia, remember me?”
“Yes Rohn! What can I do for you?”
“You know, there has been a lot of chatter over the past two weeks that the case has been solved, that there has been a significant arrest and…”
“What case?”
“The Natalee Holloway case!!!”
“Oh, that. That’s such old news. I’d already forgotten.”
“So it’s true then. The case has been solved??”
“Absolutely,”
“Well, what happened?”
“I’m sorry Rohn, I can’t tell you. We have been asked not to discuss the particulars of the groundbreaking news.”
“You understand that there have been a number of stories, both official and unofficial, that have come out of Aruba that have led people to believe a resolution of the case was imminent.”
“Well, I suppose there have been.”
“And now everybody is walking around saying the case is over, but no one can or is willing to actually discuss how the case ended.”
“I’m sorry Rohn. I cannot reveal the solution without permission.”
“Permission from whom?”
“I can’t tell you that either.”
“Well, I don’t know how I’m supposed to convince the viewers that there is momentous news pending.”
“Here. Look at today’s paper.”
Julia produced the current issue of Aruba today. Event after event was reported on or advertised and each event dealt with the Natalee Holloway case being solved. You can download the paper yourselves, but there was an article about Dora and Jan Oosterman hosting a black-tie “Natalee Celebration” at Madam Janette. And Julia pointed out an ad in the paper telling people that the Yap Yum massage parlour was having a “Buy One Rub and Tug, Get One Tug free” sale in honour of the investigation’s conclusion. “Hmmm,” I thought. “I’m kind of tired. I could use a paw massage myself!”
“What more proof do you need Rohn?”
“It’s not me. It’s the viewers. They’ve been through so many false alarms, especially from island authorities, I’m concerned that if I don’t have credible information one way or the other they may turn on me and certainly may lose confidence in Aruban authorities. Really, they are at the end of their tether with phony announcements. Some have already given up believing anything that comes out of Aruba.”
“Hmmmm. I see what you mean. How about this? I admit there are drug dealers on the beaches outside the hotel!!!!”
“What?”
“I admit there are drug dealers on the beaches outside the hotel!!! Now would I admit that if I didn’t truly believe the case was solved and the threat to my newspaper…I mean…the threat to our tourism industry was over?”
“Well…No I guess you wouldn’t. Thanks Julia.”
Our confidence was restored, but how could Rohnette and I face our sophisticated and critically exacting viewers with yet another unconfirmed report? I knew that many of them, like me, were biting their nails, waiting day after excruciating day for the shoe to drop, checking the blogs first thing in the morning and last thing at night, alienating their spouses and loved ones, falling asleep while silently speculating, arguing on the web with complete strangers as to what the news might or might not be and inexplicably and perhaps irrationally putting their faith in the ALE yet again, probably for the last time.
And if our viewers were doing that, what effect did this latest rumour have on the Holloways, the Van Der Sloots and the Kalpoes? Actually, I don’t much care what effect it had on the Kalpoes. But anyway, Rohnette and I determined to press on the next day.
Money was tight. We’d been in Aruba for well over a week. We couldn’t afford to stay in the hotel forever, so I sent Rohnette to find Geoffrey Van Cromvoirt and I set off to find Dompig. I had to talk to Dompig.
I went to police headquarters, but he wasn’t there. They told me that he was in a satellite office and gave me directions that I followed. I went to the front desk and asked if the desk sergeant would mind telling Dompig I wanted to see him.
“No we don’t announce people coming to see Dompig. We only do that for higher-ups. Dompig is in the basement, next to the supply room.”
I walked down to the basement. It was gloomy and damp. In the distance I heard a familiar voice singing a familiar song, now more in the manner of a lament. “… Dragon played a magic tuba and frolicked in the sea and sand off the island of Aruba. Little Gerry Dompig, loved that rascal Puff...”
I followed the sound and found Dompig. He was sitting at a table in a bare room stuffing envelopes. He looked up at me.
“Rohn!!!!”
“Hello Chief.”
“Hmmm. No one calls me that any more.”
“How are you doing?”
“Not bad. I’m sending out traffic violation reminder notices for unpaid fines. We have three different notices, one in Dutch, one in Papiamento and one in English.”
“Oh. Looks like you have a lot to do.”
“That’s for sure. Ten months worth. I would have had it all done last week if it hadn’t been for Beth Holloway.”
“Right, look Chief…”
“I know why you’re here. You want to know if there really has been a breakthrough in the case and what it is.”
“Yes. Yes. But not just me…hundreds, no thousands of people want to know and some of them deserve to know.”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Chief!??!???!”
“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. Wait a couple of more days and then…”
“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter Chief.”
“I’m sorry, but it is not bullshit. We have been informed by officials beyond reproach that there has been a breakthrough and it will be announced once confirmation of a few small facts has been obtained and that confirmation is expected imminently. Beyond that, I can say nothing.”
“Can you tell me anything? Can you give me the name of someone who can tell me anything?”
“No, I cannot.”
“I produced a joint of the finest Northern Light bud that I procured prior to leaving Toronto. One advantage of traveling in a Pet Voyager 200 stored in the luggage compartment of a plane is that the customs people don’t pay much attention to you. I gave the joint to Dompig.
“Rohn…You didn’t have to do that. Really….Quick, close the door!”
I closed the door and asked the chief if he had a towel or anything to put under the crack at the bottom of the door.
“Shit no I don’t” he said. “Listen Rohn, you’re furry. Would you mind lying down at the foot of the door and stretching out?”
Well, I did mind, but I did it.
Dompig fired ‘er up.
“Cough!!! Cough!!!! COUGH!!!!
He then launched into the inevitable Procol Harum song.
“‘She said there is no reason…and the truth is plain to see…’ You know Rohn…I always thought Procol Harum was best early on, when they had Robin Trower on guitar….Wanna hit???
“No. No thanks, that’s okay.”
“Now mind you, Mick Grabham was no slouch. Real solid player. Loyal too. He stuck out the lean years. But if only they could have convinced Trower to stay around for the live album instead of using Dave Ball…He was useless. What do you think?
“Oh, you’re right absolutely.”
“Rohn, you ever notice how many English musicians are named ‘Mick’? Mick Jagger, Mick Taylor, Mick Ralphs, Mick Grabham…that guy from the Clash Mick what’s his name?”
“Mick Jones. Don’t forget Mick Ronson!!!! Yeah, Chief, that’s very weird.”
“Yeah, Mick Ronson…that’s right…weird…weird…weird… ‘and although my eyes were opened…they might just as well been clo-o-o-o-sed.’”
“You know, Rohn. I want to tell you something. I haven’t forgotten that you were the only person…well person or cat…that stuck by me when I was left to hang on that clothesline. It was humiliating!! Even Julia turned her back on me….I can’t get over that… Anyway, I’d like to return the favour and help you out, but…I can’t…I just can’t. Can you imagine where I’d end up if someone found out??? They’d make me a meter maid. I’d probably have to wear a skirt!!!”
“It’s okay, Chief. I understand.”
“Maybe I can be of some help.… Look…go and see Oduber.”
“The Prime Minister??? Put out the joint Chief!!! He’s not going to give me any details about this.”
“No, he won’t tell you, but you might be able to elicit something from him to find out if the story is true.”
“How do I elicit something from a man I’ve never even spoken to?”
“You’re a smart cat. Review your telecasts. You’ll figure it out. I’m sorry, that’s the best I can do. Remember…you might get something out of him that could help your viewers.”
“Yeah. Sure. Well, thanks Chief.”
“You don’t have any munchies on you, do you?”
“Shit, no. I should have brought some. Sorry. See you around.”
I got off the floor, left the room and walked down the hall. Dompig’s mournful voice rose again “A dragon lives forever, but not so Police Chief boys. Magic tricks and pointed sticks make way for other toys. Then one day it happened, Gerry Dompig went away and Puff the Magic…”
Poor Dompig.
I go outside and my international call activated cell phone rang. It was Rohnette. She had found Van Comvoirt down by the Yacht club. “I’ll be right there.” I told her and off I went.
Within about fifteen minutes, I was at the yacht club. I saw Rohnette and Van Cromvoirt hanging around outside.
“Hi Geoffrey!!”
“Oh, uhhh Hi? Listen, man, is this going to take long? Like I’ve got places I said I’d be at” and he leaned back, hiked his t-shirt up above his nipples (it was not a Petunia Pig t-shirt by the way), sneered and gave me the stupid Satan sign.
“No. Um, listen, I just have a few…”
“Hey Geoffrey” a voice called out from across the street. “How’s your bird?”
“Ready to fly!”
The Rat Pack lives.
An attractive girl in a passing car pulled up, stuck her head out the car window and shouted:
“It’s the lean, mean Von Cromvoirt machine…What’s shakin ruthond?? Hop in”
“Ah ha ha ha!!! No one needs to beat off as long as you’re around. Listen, Rohn, I gotta get going. See you later Rohnette.” And with that Van Cromvoirt got in the car and was driven off.
It was night and day. Last time I was here, Geoffrey Van Cromvoirt was like a shadow. No one except for a few tourist girls even acknowledged his existence, let alone looked at him. Now he’s like a king striding through his kingdom.
“It’s got to be true” Said Rohnette. “The Kalpoes, Julia, Jossy, Geoffrey Dora and Jan Oosterman!!!! Everybody…They couldn’t all be lying.”
“No, you’re right. They’re not lying. I wish I’d got a better feeling from Jan(n)sen and Dompig though. Anyway, come on, we’ve got work to do.”
We went back to the hotel. What could Dompig have meant about getting something out of Oduber? How could I do that? He’s a seasoned politician operating in a rather nasty political environment. He would be wary to say the least.
I had Rohnette cue up ROHN-TV’s previous reports and watched them. Nothing. I watched them again. Still nothing. I couldn’t bear the thought of watching this grand parade of brainless, lying, stupidity a third time, so I asked Rohnette to compile a tape of excerpts dealing with Oduber. I was tired and concentration was even more difficult because people I did not know kept using duplicate pass cards to come into my hotel room.
It was 2:30 in the morning, and it occurred to me that it was a Sunday night at the exact time Natalee and Joran were on the beach almost precisely one year ago! I wasn’t going to get to sleep anyway, so I went to the beach. Again as I passed the front desk I turned to the security camera and identified myself for Julia’s benefit and headed off.
I’d like to say I was overcome with the eeriness of it all…that I could imagine Joran and Natalee walking together. But none of that. There did seem to be a lot of people on the beach for that time of night, but nothing else to report. Oh, I did hear one familiar voice coming out from under the trees:
“Me man twenty find to kidding shit not you’ve better going this got than dollars there’s be no, be no, be no, be no, this me than…”
Well, it was good to know Boetie was still around, but I long since decided that he couldn’t tell me anything useful, so I decided I would conduct another experiment. I would walk to Joran’s house in my bare paws.
Well, all I can tell you is that after about ten minutes walking on that pavement, even with my calloused paw pads walking on that warm pavement, I said “Fuck this” and went back to the hotel. Take that for what it’s worth folks.
On the way back, I re-ran the Oduber segments in my mind. I got back in the lobby and just as I was about to mouth “It’s me Julia…Rohn” to the security camera I understood what to do about Oduber. It was so obvious.
Have you figured it out?
The next morning, I called the Prime Minister’s Office and to my surprise was able to arrange an appointment for that day (Monday) at 2:00 p.m.
It was a short trip down LG Smith Boulevard to the Government Executive Offices. I was shown in to meet with Prime Minister Oduber. I hopped up on a very comfy chair.
“Good Afternoon Mr. Rohn. Is that a Dutch name? I once knew a Rohn Croes I believe.”
“Well, that wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Mr. Prime Minister, excuse me for being so blunt and let me come directly to the point. Has the Natalee Holloway case been solved??”
“I know Geoffrey van Cromvoirt by the way, but to answer your question about whether the case has been solved. Yes, of course it has. You must have heard. The major breakthrough. It’s been blown wide open.”
“Well can you tell me what the solution is?”
“Oh I wish that I could, but we are awaiting imminent confirmation of one final detail that should come to day or tomorrow by the latest.”
“Mr. Prime Minister, with respect, by tomorrow I will have been here thirteen days awaiting imminent confirmation. Why should I believe anyone any more? It’s June 5th. That’s thirteen days of pending imminent confirmation. Why should I believe that there is anything to be confirmed -- imminently or not - by this point.”
“Yes. Yes. I see what you mean. Well I will do anything I can to satisfy you that the case has been solved.”
“Except tell me the solution”.
“Sadly, I am prevented from doing so. It is a police matter and as you know there is strict separation of powers between the executive and the police. At a time like this, I truly wish that was not the case. We would so much like to be forthcoming and open.”
I was obviously going to get nothing from him, so I set my plan in motion. First I would distract him.
“Well, Prime Minister, I do understand and appreciate the need to protect the investigation and respect your political traditions. So, thank you for your time. Oh, congratulations by the way.”
“On what, exactly?”
“Well according to the press releases I read from your government, Aruba is the only nation in the Western Hemisphere whose tourism rate has actually increased this past year.”
“Thank you. Yes, we are quite fortunate. It’s unbelievable really.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I thought. So I guess with the case solved and tourism on the rise, you must be feeling pretty good.”
“What do you mean?”
”Well, you know, you were pretty distressed about the case and tourism there for a while.”
“Yes, I was. But now that the case is solved, I feel much better.”
“No upset stomach? “
“No. It’s amazing what some good news can do.”
I had him set up. I was going to say the name of “Beth Holloway.” As ROHN-TV viewers know, in the past mere mention of the name “Beth Holloway” or “Natalee Holloway”or “Jossy Mansur” invariably caused Oduber such distress that he would launch his cookies in a fit of prolonged projectile vomiting. It was a cruel test but it was the only one I could think of.
“Just one last thing if I may Mr. Prime Minister?”
“Yes?”
“BETH HOLLOWAY!!!!!”
Now I know you are all wondering what happened next. Did Oduber vomit thereby revealing the inner turmoil that an unsolved Natalee Holloway case was still causing him or did he sit there calmly, without so much as a belch, thus reflecting a peace of mind that could only come from knowing that the case was truly solved?
So what did he do?
Now I could be a right prick and say I can’t tell you.
Maybe a poll????? Did Oduber sit calmly or did I get to find out what he had for breakfast? Did he remain unperturbed or did he introduce me to cousin Ralph? Did he take it in stride or did he…never mind. Some of you may be eating at your desks.
Much as I like to be childish and play mind games, I’ll leave that to people who have nothing constructive to do at their jobs like conduct a REAL INVESTIGATION!!!! You all deserve better. Especially after the “Kapnick Decision”
Well… so I said “Beth Holloway” and Oduber…
And Oduber…
WE’RE TALKING CHUNK ERUPTION TIME HERE FOLKS!!!!! IT WOULD HAVE BURIED POMPEII!!!!
It spewed out of his mouth like water out the end of a fire hose. If I hadn’t been able to scamper out of the room when I did, I would have drowned in a sea of bile. After I left the building I turned around and noticed it was buckling on the side where Oduber’s office was located. His bile obviously had the thermal insensity content of a pyroplastic flow. Krakatoa, West of Curacao. But I had the answer!!!!
I remained tormented…why the ongoing lie? Incompetence? Embarrassment? Arrogance? Is it a concern over declining tourism in the face a plummeting US dollar and soaring gasoline prices coupled with a precarious governmental financial situation? Stupidity? Ignorance? And why lie to your own citizens for crying out loud???
Well, someone else will have to find the answer to those questions.
ROHN-TV has been on the air for thirteen months -- eleven dealing with the Holloway case. None of the cases covered have been solved. Our contribution to solving these cases has been negligible…almost as minute as the contribution of the people who are supposed to actually solve cases or who should have an interest in a case being solved, but that’s beside the point.
This latest rumour was the straw that broke this feline’s back…the final elbow. I have perked up my withered, frostbitten ears for the last time on the airwaves. I tried to see the truth through my cataracts, but have discovered it was not the cataracts that prevented the truth from being seen. Oh that’s way too frickin’ poetic.
Maybe ROHN-TV going off the air will be the proverbial flutter of the butterfly’s wings that will set in motion a sequence of random events culminating in a solution…a real confirmed solution. Maybe with ROHN-TV’s snide, childish, non-constructive ranting consigned to the dust bin, St. Jude will show mercy and intervene to grant us a resolution of the case. Chaos theory and St. Jude…it’s come to that.
During the past year ROHN-TV has tried to be neutral. I have parted my furry cheeks and dumped on everyone pretty equally, but it’s time for an editorial.
A ROHN-TV EDITORIAL
You could fertilize the sand dunes of Aruba and turn them into a lush tropical forest overnight with the amount of bullshit that has emanated from the ALE and the HMI and trying to determine the bigger liar is a loser’s game. It’s like trying to decide whether you want to hire Jesse James or John Dillinger to guard your bank, but you are welcome to continue torment yourselves by doing so if you wish. I know I will.
So on behalf of Rohnette: Good Night and Good Luck.
Rohnette: “I’m so sad.”
“Don’t be sad Rohnette. None of ROHN-TV is real. It never has been.”
“I know, but…well...Does this mean no more trips?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“No more Geoffrey?”
“What?”
“No more Geoffrey Van Comvoirt?”
“No. Why?”
“Well, I knew Geoffrey Van Cromvoirt.”
“Yeah, of course you did.”
“No. I KNEW Geoffrey Van Cromvoirt.”
“Oh…I…well…ummm. I was actually kind of hoping that you and I might…”
“Rohn, you’re a cat!!”
“Well, I’m safe…I’m fixed…and I have a barbed penis!!!!... No go, eh? Well, what the hell!!! Anyway I am sorry…no more trips to Aruba and I guess no more Geoffrey for you.”
“No…and no more Deepak for me either.”
“Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ahee ha ha ha ai ai ai ai ai ai ai AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
“Rohn, grow up!!!!! I’m shutting down the transmitter.”
“AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE—
Static. White noise. Empty Air. We should all be used to it by now.
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 1167
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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| rohn
Posted:
Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:56 am |
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PS Call From Kare(i)n Jan(n)sen
Deleted by moi
Last edited by rohn on Tue Jun 13, 2006 12:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 1167
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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| rohn
Posted:
Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:58 am |
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Edited by Rohn
Last edited by rohn on Tue Jun 13, 2006 3:39 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 1167
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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| pax
Posted:
Tue Jun 13, 2006 3:04 pm |
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Weird Al Rohn.
The Yankovic of refugeesunleashed.
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 16326
Location: Wish You Were Here
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