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victims cry
 Posted:
Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:32 pm |
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ROHN-TV and interview with Joran (per Rohn)
Can’t argue with the calendar. It’s Thursday -- time for the ROHN-TV weekly news update.
It’s been an exciting two weeks for us here at ROHN-TV. For the second time this year, we were forced to move our transmitting facilities, this time owing to an apparent infestation of baboons. Some scientists are blaming global warming for the presence of free-ranging tribes of wild baboons in North America. Other scientific experts disagree, citing natural weather cycles that apparently only cycle through every 3.6 million years or so.
As for the news. Two questions have dominated the Natalee Holloway story these past two weeks. Why are so many of the people involved in the case now talking about it publicly? And why do none of these people make any sense?
But first the headlines:
ROHN-TV “The only network to give you the latest known facts and nothing but the latest known facts in cases whose dismal investigations have gone beyond the point of putrefaction and now simply defy analysis. Call in the cadaver dogs on these babies.”
ITEM: “No new verified evidence or arrests in case of missing Alabama teen Natalee Holloway.
ITEM: “Special Prosecutor continues investigation into leak of name of CIA operative Valerie Plame”
ITEM: “Mystery still swirs in case of missing cruiseline groom…Jack Abbott…no…shit what is the guy’s…uh…Victor…No…uh…I knew should’ve written his name down...anyway the guy who fell off the boat.”
Up next ROHN-TV’s conversation with Joran.
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On Vacation!
Joined: 22 Mar 2006
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| victims cry
Posted:
Thu Mar 23, 2006 7:33 pm |
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RTV: So those were the reasons. Interview with Joran
Note to Joe T…This is Satire…fiction, you know as in “not to be believed” Just so you understand.
As you all know, I had arranged for an interview with Joran. I had to agree to certain conditions and limits to the scope of the interview. Those limits were prescribed by Larry Garrison. Although not enthusiastic about accepting boundaries on journalistic freedom, I accepted the limitations that were that I could ask no questions about Joran’s small ears and no questions about Joran’s hair style -- limitations, that I unfortunately breached. The interview, therefore, is disappointingly brief.
The interview took place in a small room in Oranjestad. Joran and I sat face to face, separated by less than a couple of feet. Present were Joran, Garrison and ROHN-TV production assistant, sound person and make up technician, Rohnette. Joran requested that his favourite croupier from the Alhambra Casino in Oranjestad also be present.
RTV: First of all Joran, I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Joran: You’re quite welcome. It is not a problem for me.
RTV: I’d like to focus on a couple of things that appear to be a bit disturbing in terms of what we know.
Joran: I understand.
Joran then crossed his legs and the side of my left shin took a direct hit from one of his massive hoofers.
RTV: CRIPES ALMIGHTY!!!!
Joran: Sorry.
RTV: That’s okay. Let’s go back to the night you were at Carlos and Charlie’s with Natalee.
Joran: Oh, of course Yes?.
RTV: You said that Natalee wanted you to dance with her, you declined and yet you licked an alcohol imbued cube of jello off her stomach. Why not simply dance with the girl?
Joran looked self-consciously at his feet.
RTV: Oh, I see.
Joran: Four girls in the hospital. Shin splits, bruises, charley horses, you name it.
RTV: Well, let’s talk about the jello thing. I understand this to be where a girl puts a cube of alcohol-laced jello on her stomach and a guy licks off.
Joran: Yes.
RTV: Did you enjoy that? Licking jello off of Natalee’s stomach?
Joran: Not especially. It was lime jello and you know licking green stuff out of a girl’s belly button is not erotic for me personally. I prefer grape colour. It’s a bit more Goth.
RTV: Now you’ve been quoted as saying that Natalee told you that her mother was like Hitler’s sister’s daughter. Did she say that?
Joran: Absolutely, yes. She also said her step-father was like Robespierre’s cousin’s husband.
RTV: Weird.
Joran: Yes, I thought so too at the time, actually.
RTV: On to the alibi…OWWWWWWWWW!! CHRISTMAS!!!
Joran: I’m sorry…I apologize. My leg was falling asleep…I had to move it.
RTV: It’s okay. I’ll just move my chair back a bit more…see if I can stand up first. There we go, that’s not bad. Shake it out a bit. Walk it off… Okay, move my chair - that looks to be about six feet away. Good!
RTV: Okay, now you and Deepak and Satish. Why did they go along with Holiday Inn story?
Joran: You would have to ask them. What are you staring at?
RTV: Sorry.
Joran: You seem to be staring at the top of my head all the time.
RTV: Oh, am I? I wasn’t aware of that. I’ll try to stop.
RTV: Well, back to the Holiday Inn story, why did you feel you had to lie?
Joran: I was only seventeen and was frightened and I panicked, so I lied. I didn’t want my parents to know I left Natalee on the beach.
RTV: Okay now, I’ve got to say…I’ve got a bit of a problem here. How long have you been going to bars?
Joran: Since I was just over seventeen.
RTV: And you’ve been drinking in bars since you were seventeen.
Joran: Oh yes.
RTV: And you’ve been going to casinos, how long?
Joran: Since I was just over seventeen.
RTV: And you didn’t have a job, so you were getting an allowance that you were betting in the casino?
Joran: From my father yes and yes that is what I used in the casino.
RTV: So your story is your parents were easy going about you breaking the law, going into bars, gambling your allowance, but you were afraid of their reaction if they found out you left a girl on the beach.
Joran: Yes. You have to understand…When my father suspected I was underaged gambling and drinking he told me. “Joran, we can’t condone what we think you are doing,..breaking the law, being seventeen and drinking and gambling in bars where there are drugs being sold and prostitutes and the like…but we will never be truly angry with you, just so long as you don’t ever leave a girl on a beach by herself.” Another time, he caught me in the bathtub with two female American military police officers and he said: “Joran, you are having an orgy with two American servicewomen in our bathtub!?!?! Just remember…” and I said “I know Poppa, I will never leave a girl on a beach. That’s why I brought these women here.”
RTV: Okay.
Joran: Plus, I was only seventeen and I was frightened and panicked and I lied because I didn’t want my girlfriend at the time to find out.
RTV: Okay, so you were licking jello out of another girl’s stomach…in a bar…in public…dozens of people around and you’re suddenly worried that your girlfriend would be upset over finding out you left another girl on the beach?
Joran: Yes, she told me once. “Joran, I know you’re a young man and if you want to slip and flick your tongue into and out of another girl’s belly button in public, even though everyone knows you and I are dating…that’s okay. Just promise me, whatever happens, that you will never leave a girl on a beach.”
RTV: I have to tell you this thing about leaving the girl on the beach as being a reason to lie to the police is a bit weird to me.
Joran: You must understand that in Dutch culture there is no greater shame than to leave a girl on a beach. The famous Dutch Painer Jan Steen once produced a painting entitled “Girl Left Alone on a Beach” and it created a notorious scandal…it could never be publicly exhibited anywhere in Holland. In fact, if a girl is left alone on a beach it becomes known in Holland as a “Jan Steen beach.”
RTV: Okay, so the beach thing is why you lied?
Joran: Plus I was only seventeen at the time and was frightened and I panicked so I lied and I thought nothing had happened to Natalee, you know, that she would show up the next day.
RTV: So you thought “Well, seeing as probably nothing happened, I’d better lie to keep my involvement in nothing happening a secret???”
Joran: I read as a young boy that if you are involved in something bad, you must tell the truth about it. But if you are involved in something that is not bad, it’s okay to make up stories.
RTV: Where did you read that?
Joran: A Beatrix Potter book. I think Twinkleberry Squirrel said it. Maybe Nutkin. I can’t remember who said it…but it has always remained with me. What ARE you looking at?
RTV: Nothing.
Joran: You seem to be looking at my forehead and not my eyes.
RTV: Sorry, just the TV lights being so …OWWWW!!! AUGGGHHHH!. FOR PISS SAKES. MY KNEE!!!
Joran: I’m sorry.
RTV: I think you fractured my patella!!!! Give me a minute…I need some time here.
RTV: So those are the reasons for the initial lie.
Joran: Yes. Plus I was only seventeen at the time and….
RTV: Yeah, we get that part.
Joran: Also, here’s one I just remembered now. Of course, I was only seventeen at the time, I was frightened and I panicked so I lied because Natalee also told me not to tell anyone I had taken her to the beach. She didn’t want to hurt the feelings of one of the boys on the trip who liked her.
RTV: Any other reasons?
Joran: If you want more…I can give you more…that is no problem for me. Umm. Oh yes, I was only seventeen at the time, I was frightened and I panicked so I lied because I told a friend of mine that I couldn’t go out with him that evening because I was working on a school assignment that was due the next day, so I didn’t want him to find out that I lied so I lied to protect the lie...No…now I’m getting confused myself. I lied to protect my panic over having lied…no...forget that one
RTV: Okay, Joran that’s enough, really. We believe you. It’s obvious to anyone looking at your pictures or watching you on TV that you are indeed a timid, insecure person, prone to panic and skittishness because after all, you’re only 18 and …
Joran: S-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! (Whispering) I told your make-up girl I was 21…I think she believes me.
RTV: Okay, you’re leaving the beach that night and you walked home, I believe.
Joran: No. Satish drove me home.
RTV: Really? I thought you walked.
Joran: No. I called Deepak and asked him to come to the beach, but it was Satish who came.
RTV: And you left Natalee on the beach.
Joran: Yes I left her there. Satish arrived and we opened the door and got in the car and left.
RTV: “We” got in the car. I thought you said you left Natalee on the beach…Who’s “we”
Joran: My feet and I.
RTV: But didn’t you tell the police that Deepak drove you home? Why that lie?
Joran: I was only seventeen and frightened and I panicked so I lied because Deepak asked me to lie and so in my continuing frightened and panicked state I did.
RTV: Moving on…oh. sorry, I had a question I meant to ask earlier. It’s about your current round of giving interviews…how did that come about?
Joran: Well, I entered into a contractual relationship with Larry Garrison and we decided to get my story out. You know I was very sad about the effect this had on my family and on Aruba.
RTV: But, Joran, your dad had been cleared as a suspect…he’s got a new career and is going to receive compensation from the Aruban government. The boycott, I think, is not all that effective.
Joran: Well, the lawsuit got me thinking too, you know
RTV: But Joran, the lawsuit wasn’t served on you until after you decided to do the ABC interview. So why come forward now? Why now?
Joran: Well, it did truthfully have a lot do with my family’s reputation, but also, I have to say all of these stories about me being a murderer were kind of taking a toll on my life.
RTV: Why Larry?
Joran: Larry promised that he could get me on the cover of magazines that were popular with women…you know. That’s where my problems were being felt in my life, so I thought…”women’s magazine covers? That’s a good idea.”
RTV: And has he done that.
Joran: Yes. I’m going to be on the cover of Vogue Knit in June.
RTV: Vogue Knit? I guess maybe women will be knitting you things.
Joran: Possibly. I would look forward to it.
RTV: Well, if someone is going to be knitting you slippers, they’d better have a whole flock of sheep out back.
Joran: Sigh!
RTV: Maybe they could knit some kind of padding for those feet of yours – something you could wear over your shoes to limit the carnage .
Joran: Sigh!!
RTV: Of course, if they were knitting you ear-muffs that wouldn’t take a lot of wool.
LARRY: Excuse me! Our agreement specifically excludes any questioning about what you consider -- cruelly and inaccurately consider I might add -- to be Joran’s small ears.
RTV: Well, it wasn’t really a question,,, but I’m sorry. Why did the Kalpoes go along with the Holiday Inn story?
Joran: Deepak and Satish were 21 and 17 at the time and were frightened and panicked on my behalf and lied. Plus we were very close friends. But you would have to ask them if you want to know more.
RTV: And why did Steven Croes lie?
Joran: You would have to ask Deepak. I do not know Steve Croes.
RTV: I’m just wondering here if maybe it was because Steven Croes was only 26 years old at the time, got frightened and panicked so he lied because Deepak was frightened and panicked over the fact that you were frightened and in a panic. In fact, Croes was so alarmed that in his terrified state he actually went to the police voluntarily to tell his lie because of the overwhelming panic he felt.
Joran: What you say makes sense to me now that you suggest it.
RTV: Joran, you were 17 when you met Deepak who was 20 or 21 years old.
Joran: Yes.
RTV: You’d known each other for three months at the time of Natalee’s disappearance.
Joran: Deepak, yes. Satish, not so long as that.
RTV: Well how often did you get together during that time to form such a close bond in such a short space of time that they would agree to lie to the police about a missing girl?
Joran: Quite honestly, we would go looking for girls. Like any guys would do.
RTV: Why did you go together?
Joran: Well, actually three guys together looking for girls is not so good an idea as you know…
RTV: Oh sure …everyone knows that.
Joran: So sometimes I would go out with Deepak, because, he knew a lot of Surinamese girls that I could meet, and I would help him meet tourist girls.
RTV: What about Satish?
Joran: Satish hung out with me because I could bluff my way into places I shouldn’t be allowed into and he’d kind of get to ride my coattails, I believe is the expression. I’d say Satish was eighteen and I guess I was believable
RTV: Why couldn’t he do that with Deepak?
Joran: Deepak was not as good at making up believable stories as I was, I guess
RTV: So you were the better um story teller than Deepak?
Joran: I thought so. At least until recently I thought so.
RTV: And how do you feel about the Kalpoe brothers now?
Joran: I think they have been victimized by this case as much as anyone.
RTV: Really?
Joran: I have no hard feelings about their continuing to lie, nor do I want to say anything bad about them just because they are continuing to lie. No mentioning bad things about the Kalpoes, from me or my team. For example, I think it’s unfair that people have kept bringing up in the media those stories about the maid being murdered.
RTV: Oh, I vaguely remember something months and months ago…truth is I’d forgotten it until now.
Joran: And that rumour about Deepak having legal troubles back in Surinam. That was most unfair. So I certainly don’t want to say anything bad about them.
RTV: Okay then, now if we can move on to…
Joran: So I do not want to say anything bad about Deepak or Satish and all my family and lawyers and I agree about this…We will not mention anything bad about the Kalpoes… no matter how much good it might do me ..unless of course it is in relation to expressing sympathy for them. So there will be no mention of the nun and the girl scout cookies. I think it is especially awful that all of these rumours have been posted on the web site www.kalpoe …
RTV: Okay, Joran… I think we get the picture. I want to talk about the events of the second week in June, because these haven’t really been touched on much…
Joran: WILL YOU STOP STARING AT MY FOREHEAD?
RTV: I’m sorry…I’m just fascinated. Your bangs are so short. How do you get them to come together in those little points?
LARRY: Okay, that’s it…End of interview.
RTV: No, really. That must take a hell of a long time every morning. Is there like a bang crimper you use or a gel or special mousse?
LARRY: Don’t answer that Joran! This interview’s over! You know, I should have known better than to agree to this. Your network’s reputation is well-deserved, let me just say that. Snide! Childish!!! Half your interview is about his feet, ears and bangs. You think people are impressed by that???
LARRY: And you can tell your so-called refugee buddies, that I read their comments about me. I know what they’re saying. They want to come between me and Joran. Give him credit for everything good that happens and I take the blame for the rest. Stinkypete thinks he knows about me. Well, I know about him! You tell him that. You and they and that Renfro woman deserve each other. And you can tell them I’ve hired John Q. Kelly to investigate possible libel actions. That’s right. John Q. Kelly!!!. So now I’ll be representing Dave and Joran at the same time and have Beth’s lawyer representing me….What do you think about that??? Don’t bother answering…I’m not interested.
JORAN: I did not know about this thing with John Q. Kelly!!! This seems strange to me. I’m starting to feel frightened and panicky!
LARRY: And your comments about Joran’s personal appearance are cruel and unfair.
RTV: My comments are cruel and unfair?????? You know what’s cruel and unfair? This kid is eighteen years old and he’s probably managed to get laid twice as often as I have in my entire life. You think I ever got to have a bath with two female soldiers??
RTV: Not that I believe that story by the way. There wouldn’t be enough room for Joran, his two feet and anyone else in a bathtub; his feet alone would have displaced most all the water. But I never even got the chance to be in a bathtub with two female soldiers!!! Not even a chance! That’s what’s unfair!!! That’s what’s cruel!!!! Get away from that camera! Get away! Rohnette, grab him!!! Not Joran,...the other guy!! This is MY interview! This is MY in--
END OF TAPE.
Postcript.
Garrison left with the equipment, but Joran remained behind. He apologized for the interview being terminated, but said that he was paying Garrison a lot of money for his advice and Joran would be foolish not to take it. I in turn apologized saying that it was not professional of me to focus so much on his feet, ears and bangs.
“No need to apologize. I don’t mind actually.” Joran said. “A lot of women seem to believe that the size of a man’s feet is an indication of the size of his sexual equipment. That never hurts. As for the ears and the hair-- well, I am sure many ladies feel badly for me that you pick on me so much – that can also be helpful. You know, there’s a saying in Holland about meeting women: “verlangen of medelijden, het is niet van belang” It roughly means. ‘Lust or pity…it doesn’t matter. ’ Do you have a similar saying in English?”
“Not really,” I replied. “We do have a saying “A stiff cock has no conscience.”
Joran appeared puzzled “ What does Deepak’s and Satish’s lawyer being drunk have to do with meeting girls?”
I was going to explain when Joran suggested we go to Carlos & Charlies. “It’s ladies night,” he told me.
On the way over Joran turned to me and said. “Oh and by the way, if a red-haired girl about five six comes over, remember I’m twenty years old and I’m here training for the Dutch Olympic triathalon team and if a dark haired French girl comes over, remember I’m seventeen years old and…”
I won’t go into details about our exploits at Carlos & Charlie’s other than to say two things. One…grape Jell-o was on the menu and two, I would never have had the guts to use the line about being the youngest doctor ever admitted to practice by the Royal Dutch Medical Association, but I think Joran was frightened when he said it.
COMING SOON ON ROHN-TV
A FREE-WHEELING PANEL DISCUSSION FEATURING GEROLD DOMPIG, JOSSY MANSUR, DAVID KOCK AND KAREN (KARIN) JANSEN (JANNSEN). CAN THESE PEOPLE EVER BE ON THE SAME PAGE OR EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM?
ROHN-TV HOPES TO BE PRESENT WHEN BETH TWITTY AND JORAN VAN DER SLOOT GO TOE TO TOE. (Well, not really toe-to-toe. If someone was toe-to-toe with Joran they’d be standing in the next room.) WHEN BETH TWITTY AND JORAN VAN DER SLOOT GO NOSE TO NOSE (Well, that wouldn’t work either).
UPDATE: Negotiations are continuing as we speak over Beth’s pre-conditions to the interview. Joran has rejected outright the suggestions that he be polygraphed or under oath while speaking with Beth and has also declined to have thumbscrews attached to his fingers and toes. As for Beth’s latest pre-condition, I have yet to canvass the possibility of installing a gallows in the room, but it appears impractical.
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On Vacation!
Joined: 22 Mar 2006
Posts: 9307
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| acala
Posted:
Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:33 am |
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Sometimes I just can't stop smiling 
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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